Why are relationships so hard?

Relationships are difficult. Relationships require emotional intimacy, vulnerability, communication, and compromise. Even in healthy relationships, where couples contribute equally and make an honest effort to trust, respect, and support one another, problems can arise with unresolved trauma.

There are different challenges in relationships at every state. If you or your partner have unhealed relational injuries, your relationship will eventually touch upon them, and they will inevitably surface. Trouble ensues and can wreak havoc in our relationships.

At this point, it is a natural reaction to go into fight or flight. We may want to end the relationship because we think it is causing us pain & discomfort. Unfortunately, we cannot blame this feeling on our partner or the person we perceive that is causing us to experience the uncomfortable feeling, but it is tempting to do so.

The pain typically stems from some form of unresolved trauma or injury from the past. A previous relationship didn’t work out how you planned. There could be childhood neglect or abandonment. Maybe there is a whole array of other unhealed issues that start bleeding into the relationship, slowly contaminating it.

When you hear the word "trauma" you probably use it to describe a serious injury, accident, or violent act. But you can also suffer emotional trauma, causing an equally painful wound in your self-being.

But there is a solution, heal your issues. Do as much inner work as you can. Running away from the relationship is not the answer, you’ll just have to keep doing the work in another relationship. Life is much easier in a partnership with someone. Sometimes if we pause and attempt to see things from the other person’s side, as well as our own, things get a little easier.

Resolving Unresolved Trauma in Relationships

Understand trauma and its effects

Talk with a therapist to see what behaviors in your life may be related to an early traumatic event, whether you remember the specifics of an event or not. Consider finding a therapist specializing in Story-Informed Trauma Therapy.

Share your story.

From telling your story, you may discover the connections between what’s happening now in your life and what you carry with you from the past.

Develop emotional resilience.

Experience your feelings, rather than pushing them away—notice them and name them. Your emotions then can serve you as information guides moving you towards healing.

Take time.

All the time you need. We are not made the same, and we all heal in our own way, in our own time. If the process becomes too intense, slow it down.