Are You Prioritizing Your Relationship?

If I had a dollar for every time a couple told me they were in a funk and they were not feeling “in love” in their relationship, I could take a trip to Europe! How do relationships get to this yucky spot of not feeling in love… loss of connection & emotional responsiveness? Couples get stuck in a rut and stop showing up for one another.

What Happens In the Funk?

Fight or flight! We start to panic because we are losing connection with the most important person in our life. But instead of reaching out to reconnect by saying, “be with me, I miss you or I need you.” We start having frequent toxic dialogues that put us further in the funk.  The longer partners stay disconnected the more negative their interactions become.  Meaningful conversations are replaced with frequent recurring arguments and power struggles that sound like this:  “Why are you always late, it’s your turn to take out the trash, work is more important than family, we never have sex, you spend way too much money.”  And countless others.

One partner may respond with anger and verbal attacks, while the other reacts with silence and withdraws.  This behavior results in one person feeling rejected, inadequate, and a failure, while the other feels abandoned and not heard. Ultimately, resulting in disconnection between the two.  This relationship pattern or cycle is very painful for both partners.

How Do We Put An End To The Funk?

Slow down, reflect on where the love is, and consciously reconnect. Decide and commit to falling in love again. Science from all fields is telling us that we are not only social beings but beings that need a special kind of close connection with our most loved ones.

Couples find themselves in a tough spot in their relationships because life gets so busy and they lose sight of remembering to prioritize one another.  Whether you have 10 minutes or all day to spend together, make sure you are being intentional and using the time to strengthen your connection. It is so important to make an effort each and every day to connect with your spouse. It is the difference between living a happy connected united relationship versus living separate parallel lives.

Often, couples share with me their relationship would be better if they could just see eye to eye or if they could solve some of their differences. It is making the relationship better first by connecting and being emotionally available to one other so that the differences get solved. I have seen the presenting problem become less serious once they reconnect.

What can you do to make your relationship a priority again and reconnect on a regular basis?

Talk to each other.

Go beyond the “How was your day?” type of conversation. Get to know each other better, tell silly stories, and dream about your future together.

Enjoy a meal together.

Couples (and families) who eat together regularly have more positive relationships. You can improvise by sharing dessert after the rest of the family has left the table or getting up early to enjoy breakfast before the rest of the household is awake.

Create a daily ritual.

Rituals and traditions strengthen relationships and build connections. Your daily routines can be simple, but they should be meaningful to you and your partner. Late-night walks, curling up on the couch with a cup of hot chocolate and laughing over YouTube videos together.

Seek counseling.

Connection is at the heart of what we are created for. The goal of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Couples Counseling is to help couples move underneath their painful cycle in order to enter into deeper levels of security and connection. With this secure base, couples will learn how to address their core issues and connect on a deeper level.